What's on your list?

Without fail, when something goes wrong in our lives- be it a break-up; a loss; even a missed opportunity; I notice that I often reflect on my current surroundings and decide that I want to do something. When I was 21 and broke off with my first love- I wanted to do something crazy. I wanted to change to prove I could do something. My idea back then was to get a tatoo and dye my hair. Neither of which were ever accomplished (thankfully).

But it did get me thinking... when we're down and out we make a concsious choice to tell ourselves that life is too short, that we ought to do this or that- and more often than not we get caught back up in the hustle and bustle of the everyday grind and those things we wanted to do get left behind and forgotten. Why don't we actually commit to doing the things we really want to do?

At age 15, John Goddard ( a world famous adventuer and motivational speaker) made a list of 127 goals he wanted to achieve before he died. Things that he broke down into categories, such as "explore", "study", "climb", "visit" and "accomplish" among others. He is now in his seventies and has acheived 109 goals on his list.

I started this exercise about a year ago, and have found that committing my goal to paper is committing them to myself. I have a list with 101 goals. I keep it on me at all times. Ive only come up with 43 goals so far, but everytime I think of one, I put it on the list. Once acheived, I note the date of my accomplishment. It has been so empowering and the funny thing is... IM ACTUALLY DOING THEM. Its a lesson in learning what we really want to do in our lives and actually doing it.

Here are a sample of  some of my goals: Visit: 1. Africa 2. The Taj Mahal 3. Spain

Accomplish: 4. Write and Publish a book 5. A triathalon 6. Learn how to surf 7. use a real camera and photograph 8. Learn to speak Spanish Personal: 9. See the positive in every situation 10. Be at my ideal body weight 11. Lower my cholesterol 12. Be grateful for everything in my life

I urge you to take stock of your own goals and dreams and don't hold back. Walt Disney once said, "All of our dreams can come true- if we have the courage to pursue them." So, what's on your list?

A few good dates...

Along the way, in between the years seperating my two biggest relationships- I have to say I have experienced some of the most interesting dates. Here is a selection that didn't make it past date 1. Let's face it, I just wasn't into him either!

Age 21- Date: The Love Bite- While casually enjoying some ice cream one fine summer evening, the guy actually bit my right upper arm. Alarmed, and choking back on my cone, I turned and glared at him, as his teeth pulled off my skin. "Did you just bite me?" I demanded. He stuttered a bit, and tried to explain- he informed me that it was a love bite. No big deal. I don't care what kind of bite it was- you don't bite someone on a first date... I gently requested that he take me home.

Age 25- Date: The Flexer- During a casual meal at a fabulous eatery, the man I was enjoying conversation with, placed his hands in back of his head, clasped his fingers and flexed his biceps in 10 minute intervals. I thought maybe he had a tick- but let's be honest- we weren't working out.

Age 27- Date: The Alcoholic- This guy's eyes were glued to the big screen as the Canadians flew up and down the ice. He downed 3 rum and cokes within ten minutes and without talking would often glance at me and shake his head. After about 20 minutes, he nervously looked around, and demanded to know where my boyfriend was. Over and over again. I made a quick phone call, and made a mad dash.

Age 28- Date: The Real Estate Agent- Enjoying a relaxing lunch, with a few spirits- and listening to him talk about himself incessantly for over an hour, he insisted he drive me to my car. Most obliging I accepted his invitation seeing as my car was about 20 blocks away. Once strapped, he informed me he had to make a quick pit stop. Turns out he needed to show a condo to prospective buyers, and brought me along for the tour. Awkward.

Age 29-Date: The Way too Metro- The guy had more rings on than I did, and drank his beer with two hands, pinky's pointing out. Seriously?

As I review some of these engrossing scenarios- I question whether some of my dating experiences are getting worse over time? In retrospect, I probably could have given the love biter a second chance! Are there any normal guys out there? I'm just asking for one good date, maybe even a few.

The Signs

Over the years I've learned that no matter how old we are we always look for the signs. Whether we tell ourselves that we don't believe or whether we whole heartedly let the world know- as single women we tend to scrutinize, investigate and read into every move the male species makes. We then re-hash the screnario over and over, cross our fingers and hope for the best.


The other day, I took a 15 year old out for a chat and within minutes of our meeting, I sensed she was eager to tell me something very important. She nervously sat facing me. She was beaming. Without hestitation, she spilled the only thing that was on her mind. "I like James, " she said. Still grinning she informed me that she had smiled at him during gym class, and that he had smiled back. She wrapped both hands around her blizzard, glanced downward in a sheepish gaze and said matter of factly, "he smiled and looked away". She lingered on my response, waiting to hear my words of wisdom; awaiting my years of experience on the subject. "Do you think that's a sign?" , she asked. I couldn't help but laugh to myself, as I myself had pondered the same question only 4 hours earlier. I guess age has no limit on questioning the signs.

Whether we're single at 15 or 30 we replay the smile, glance, word selection and inflection over and over and over in our minds. When someone catches our fancy, we hope the connection is real and that the signs are not just a figment of our imgainations. In the end, I think we all just want the signs to be there, to prove that love really does exist.

One day the signs will be there and I'll be waiting.

And then there were two...

I have been blessed with an extensive circle of friends. 20 close girls that I see now and then, and in some way have been graciously a part of my life.  In our early twenties, only a handful of of the girls were in serious dating relationships. Most of us were single, and easing in and out of non- commital relationships. I attended my first wedding at 23. I remember it so vividly, it was my best friends older sister and for the first time I got to experience the exchange of vows. It was beautiful.  At 24, a few more of the girls met their true matches, and the singletons were becoming outnumbered. At 25, WHAM. One after the other, engagement announcements spread like wild fire.  When  I saw my first girlfriend to walk the aisle- I knew then and there that the rest would jump on the band wagon. And so 6 engagements, 6 showers, 2 weddings on the way, 3 baby showers and 2 divorces later, I look around at the circle and realize that the single gals are almost obsolete. The rest have nestled sweetly into the throws of love and although coined "single" they're not up for the running. Last night, one more was taken off the block, and so that leaves two. Two single ladies. 

I have always been genuinely excited and delighted to hear of my friend's bliss. Okay I do admit that some times envy has creeped into my actions, like  the time I had a momentary lapse in judgement  the last time I went to the wedding registry, and blew up at the sales associate because it was the 18th trip to the store in a matter of a few years, and I was disgruntled at being unable to select my own wedding gifts.  I felt horrible, but shook it off as human behavior. We are entitled to being envious once in awhile.

As I look on towards the future, I know that day will come for me too. Im secretly wishing it wont be in my fifties- but as I gather my pride and stroll through life with a smile, I realize that it ain't so bad being one of the last of my kind.  

The Flirt

Flirting: a form of human interaction between two people, expressing a romantic and/or sexual interest. Usually consisting of conversation,body language or brief physical contact. It may be one sided or reciprocated.

For me it's neither. Its simply disastrous. Having been in two long term relationships, my flirting skills were never really activated. Flirting was not required. The men came to me.

Fast forward a little, and now at 29, free from the destructive vices of my last relationship, here I am. Utterly and completely happy with my life, and ready to seriously start dating again. After some thoughtful soul searching; I know what I want in a man. I know what I am attracted to and what gets me excited. I'm taking a different approach this time around. Im going after what I want.

So I embarked on a mission about 3 months ago. To brush up on my flirting skills, pick a target and make it happen. When faced with the pivotal flirting moment, one has two flirting choices. (1) the sexy and confident approach, (i.e make direct eye contact or have "just the right thing to say"), or (2) my approach (i.e tripping, blundering and muttering random nonsensical sentences).

I began to see the pattern, and most importantly I was quickly learning that I wasn't a very good flirt at all. I trudged onward, not abandoning my mission, and yet the end results were always the same. Take yesterday's blunder as a prime example. Enter hot guy. They say timing is everything. As I walked through a hallway only a clear glass door separated the two of us. It was absolutely the perfect opportunity to introduce myself. It would have been the perfect time to confidently hold out my hand, introduce myself, throw in a hair twirl and even perhaps a flash of pearly whites. Right at that moment, that pivotal moment when both of our hands were on the handle, it jammed on my side and my shoulder dove into the door, leaving the left side of my face smeared on the glass pane in pursuit. He smiled. My two choices flashed before my eyes. I knew I could recover from this mishap, shake it off and start over. Instead, I muttered some ridiculus thing. A twitchy grin spread across my face and he walked on. Perfect.

So, as I span the lessons learned over the past ten years, I get it. Some women are just really good at flirting, they have a natural talent and ability to capture a man's attention and let it be known that they're interested- leading to reciprocal desire. The rest of us ain't so lucky- I'm still holding out for the man who finds my flirting skills irresistibly sexy.

Champagne Birthday

Definition:  One's Champagne Birthday, is the day when the age one turns and the date of birth coincide. Lucky for me it was the year I turned 22. I lived to see it. Barely.

Spring Break. 21, Single and in Daytona Beach. Those seven days are really quite a blur. Memories in the recesses of my mind, tucked neatly away- only to re-surface when absolutely required. I suspect I may not be the only one with foggy details of that week. I know for sure I didn't participate in the thong contest.... or the wet t-shirt contest... or lined up for the shot contest. Uggh... at least I don't think I did. 

The week I turned 22, and celebrated my Champagne Birthday with a blend of old  and new friends was the week I knew I was finally over my first love.  The week I longed to live life with reckless abandon. The week I discovered I actually had a slinky sexual side, and it was alright to be impulsive. 

I returned home from Holiday with most of my dignity, a new outlook on life,  and a meter long fuschia colored drink container disguised as a bong with "Daytona" slapped on its side like a bumper sticker to eternally remind me of the celebration.  

As I look back, 22 and single was fabulous. Discovering myself just that much more and learning not to care about what anyone one else thought, was even better.

Twenty One

When I was 21, I wanted to be 30.  I'm not sure why. At 21, I had left home and moved into a flat with a girlfriend. I had broken up with the love of my life ( a 5 year high school love, body tingling-"this is the guy I am going to be with forever" relationship. ), and was living a new adventure.  Studying by day- and hitting the bars at night. Im exhausted even thinking about it. Here's what the week looked like then for the single ladies: 

Monday- Ladies Night at the local pub

Tuesday- Off

Wednesday- Ladies Night same pub but different location

Thursday- Girl gathering to re-cap Mondays events, possibly study

Friday- Club in the city (R & B)

Saturday-Club in the city (House)

Sunday- Rest and Re-coup for Monday's festivities

How I even graduated from University still remains a mystery- how I had the financial backing to support my week an even bigger mystery. Had I known then what I know now, I would have probably been able to buy a home.

Reviewing the schedule of past activities makes me realize that at 21 we were ready for anything that came our way.  The fact that now, I can't even handle one night out on the town without suffering badly for the following three is painful. I do hear though at 60 we get a second wind.