Only the Lonely

I never expected to still be single at thirty. If you had asked me at sixteen, I  would have told you that by thirty (which was then considered very old),  I would have already paraded down the aisle swadlled in an elegant wedding gown, and  had a home filled with children by now.

There are days when the thoughts of being perpetually single plague and consume me. The rest of the time, I find myself eternally grateful for the years that have that passed on my own. Being single has awarded with me the time to wonder, dream and discover myself.

I've had the opportunity to really look within and figure out what I enjoy and truly love. Without the beckoning of a partner, with whom we often lose sight of ourselves- I've really plunged deep within to live a life I love.

When my insanely toxic relationship of four years finally came to an explosive end, the fear set in.  I wondered how I would ever be alone. I couldn't be alone. But slowly I began mending myself, working things out and found peace.

I've relished in  my alone time, knowing that one day I'll be thankful for the quiet time. I've rediscovered my passion for writing and creating. I've pursued my dreams. I've learned what I like and what I despise. I've found solace in writing, yoga-ing and meditation. I've found joy in cooking (eating) and as much as I fight  it some days- working out. I've committed to paper what I want to accomplish, where I want to go, what I want to do and what I really do want in a partner (I'm a perpetual list maker).

What I can tell you is that with all this alone time (especially during the week here in Korea)  the worry and fear begins to seep in, which eventually turns into minor panic. Have I been alone too long?  Are my expectations too high? Will I ever fall in love again (before I'm sixty)?

There was a time when the thought of being romantically involved caused a wrenching that I can  not quite explain. The thought of heart ache and pain threw me off. But it's been awhile now and  a little romance would be most welcome. I've felt with a certain authority that I've been ready to blend my love for life and a man for some time now. I'm ready to compliment my life. The problem is that he just hasn't shown up. Yet.